one with the ocean

MBS

2006-09-14T11:38:27Z

how i fell...
fell in love with you so...
so badly that i failed
to check the brakes...

now i hate to say...
but i no longer think
i can still extricate myself
from your grasps..

no more can i turn my back on you...
out of the question even,
to hide myself from you...
you've struck me so...

i am with you now...
now and forever...
and with each new day i spend with you...
the more i fear the thought
that one day,
i have to let you go...
and move on...

i love you this much, mbs...

live for the present

2006-08-29T02:34:49Z

just savour the moment...

and cross the bridge when you get there.

enjoy lang. magpakasaya sa bawat sandaling dala nitong panibagong yugto sa buhay.

phoebe1215 @ 2006-08-28T22:45:00

2006-08-28T14:54:07Z

wow. 3 posts in one hour. it's not so obvious that i've got nothing to do, is it?

dives are always great chances to detach oneself from the cruel realities of life. if i could only live each day as if i were away on a dive trip, then all is solved. nothing else will matter.

the deep blue.... take me away with you...

phoebe1215 @ 2006-07-27T02:51:00

2006-07-26T18:56:29Z

it's 2:51 am and im still up. i have a paper to finish, which isn't even half done. it's due in about 11 hours... and im here typing away for livejournal. how surreal can this get! and of course, im trying to keep awake just so i could finish that paper later. yeah, later.. not now..

so... this is life... i haven't had extra time to think and reflect for the past 3 weeks.. ive been caught up in org life, and i must say i should be thankful. i've got my hands full, and will continue to have them so at least for the next 5 more weeks. that should be good. so everything has been a blessing in disguise for me. thank You!

i am exhausted.. deeply stressed.. yet.. again.. what am i doing?!?

oh well.. physical and emotional and mental exhaustion... drained... just hope my body can keep up. and mind too.. that's important.. very important..

all right.. i have to stop.. my eyelids and threatening to fall oh so slowly... lulling me to sleep.. lest i lose time for this paper....

phoebe1215 @ 2006-07-27T02:45:00

2006-07-26T18:51:19Z

oh yes we do. we do think about those things. don't think that we don't. but rightfully so, i believe it is more understandable that we think of those things. for in your case, you can act however you want, anytime even.. not so for us. there lies the BIG difference. sometimes, you'd think we could be so carefree, even careless... like exactly that, that we could care less. but you thought wrong. there are far more facets to us than you've ever seen, or than we'd ever let you see. you just have to look at us from different angles. at least it will be of some help. but if not, then i guess all's fair. we fail over and over again to fathom you either. if you only know the difficulty and maybe even the agony in deciphering the codes and mysteries enveloping you.. then you'd know how profoundly we think too...

phoebe1215 @ 2006-07-18T17:52:00

2006-07-18T09:54:36Z

i've run out of things to write about.. or to be more exact, i've gotten tired of putting down my feelings in words.. besides, no more to speak of anyway. dead tired.... zonked out...

new motto = college life is basically about org life.

phoebe1215 @ 2006-07-14T19:19:00

2006-07-14T11:22:33Z

hmmm.. wala na akong masabi...
shi zai shuo a.. wo hen lei le...!!!
shut down muna.:) ay mali. shut down na pala:)

phoebe1215 @ 2006-06-16T23:21:00

2006-06-16T15:30:36Z

i had a great night tonight.... pero grabe naman pig out ata ang ginawa namin! mbs tlga! nagchinese resto na, di pa nabusog. nagcello's pa. kailangan tlga ng dessert.! natuwa naman ako... buong gabi tawa lang ako ng tawa. haaay... i miss those guys already... iba tlga... :)

hindi ko pa rin maintindihan ang "over da rainbow"... ay ewan! ayaw pang sabihin!

wala lang. trip ko lang magsulat ng kung anu ano ngayon.

crazy/beautiful/weird

2006-06-05T17:06:12Z

i wish i never came back.
i hate it when this feeling starts its comeback.
if i only had what i needed to stay there... how good would that be..

i wonder.. is she referring to the person i have in mind? i think she is. im mustering up the courage to ask her. then again... id rather not act on impulse. again. not again. whatever. why give it even an ounce of my attention?

whoever said that life is a rollercoaster... is probably right.
it's the same cycle over and over again.
duh. that's why it's called a cycle. 'cause it repeats itself countless times.
duh duh duh. life life life.

im tired.

everyone's leaving!
my best friend since high school's leaving next month.
my high school batchmates, after at most 3 months' vacation here, are going back to the other side of the world.
a LOT of my high school batchmates have left.
a LOT of my mom's high school classmates and their families have left.
a LOT of our relatives have left.
so why on earth are we still here?!?!?

oh come on speed up the process please!
i.want.to.leave..
and.i.want.to.leave.SOON.

crazy life.as it is everyday.gets crazier even.beautiful sky today.refreshing cloud formations.moon was up at 3 pm.had a long-overdue dinner with my high school best friend.i missed her.and my xiamen bestfriends chesca and diana, who live in cebu.OA na jetlag.isang linggo na!

1:03 am, still awake. and i say im tired.
tv's on, family member snoring.lights out, having a difficult time locating the correct keys on keyboard. which means i do have to call it a night.until the time i mysteriously develop night vision...

good night world!
may i have better dreams tonight!

phoebe1215 @ 2006-04-17T21:19:00

2006-04-17T14:40:51Z

Name ten of life's simple pleasures that you like most, then pick ten people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used.

1. spending hours on end just watching the sky and the stars and the occasional satellites passing by
2. skindiving for whole afternoons, which means having dates with marine creatures!! hehe
3. swimming training for 2-3 hours.. and feeling recharged and reenergized afterwards
4. making fruitshakes at home
5. nights out with my family
6. long, steady conversations with my closest friends
7. socials after dives with up mbs (in other words: inuman na 'to! ;))
8. hard-to-put-down books
9. the tree-lined university avenue in UP Diliman
10. butterscotch bar of Gloria's in Casaa

the keys to my heart (?)

2006-04-17T06:31:13Z

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are flexible and ready for anything!

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Baguio Swim Camp

2006-04-17T06:23:25Z

I came back last night from swim camp in baguio... i don't really have much to write about except that i didn't want it to end.. though relatively, it wasn't fun as in fun.. but i did enjoy the kind of life we led for about a week there.. nothing to worry about, because everything was laid out right in front of us.. not even the freezing cold water in the 2 pools stopped us from laughing and running around and playing. when i say freezing cold, i mean O degrees Celsius. FREEZING, NUMBING, BITING cold. and they called them 'heated' pools. yeah right. not the least bit warm. not even in the smaller pool, where the heater was said to be on, did we feel the slightest warm water. not even close to lukewarm. BRRRRRRR freezing. funny that if you stood in front of where the heated water was supposedly coming out, you'd actually feel the rush of the water. not warm water, but slightly less icy. but if you step aside, say, just move one step away from the pipe, haha the ice cold water rushes back around you again. so much for the temporary comfort.

Baguio City is beautiful at night. It's like staring at the stars against a dark velvety background, only that the sky is at your feet. Wow.

SM Baguio, with its one-of-a-kind architecture (or tarpaulines), sits atop one of the highest points in Baguio, similar to Buddha on his throne, watching over his children. Magnificent.

And this is what I liked best from this trip to Baguio... lazy afternoons hanging around our apartelle, doing nothing.. nothing but play cards and watch television and eat and play cards again.. some afternoons spent doing leisure walks around town, or SM, or John Hay..

I've been to Baguio sooo many times that I could easily stay away from places abuzz with tourists and horses.. hehe like Minesview, or that horse-riding place that really stinks.. or Good Shepherd... or the market..

but hey, it's always an adventure when going to the market there!

I'd rather take walks around John Hay, or take a dip in the pool at the Baguio Country Club, or ride a bike at Burnham Park (though this is crowded too..), or.. I don't know.. just stay out on the balcony or the veranda of whatever inn we're staying in and watch the sun as the day comes to a close, or take delight in the people walking by below..or gaze up the sky at night and feel the fog coming on to you.. please let it not be smog just yet..

Baguio will always be one of my favorite vacation spots.. for the many Christmases we've spent there.. it has got to be one very special place for my family.

phoebe1215 @ 2006-04-11T11:18:00

2006-04-11T03:22:57Z

yahoo!!! munchkins munchkins!!! finally! :)
yeah, that's how shallow i can get.

so craving satiated. yipee. :)

on to the next. haha kidding. i've really got to stop stuffing myself.

kaya lang kamusta naman... sa baguio, 4 meals a day, catered. kamusta talaga.

phoebe1215 @ 2006-04-10T23:41:00

2006-04-10T16:22:24Z

in everything, you come to a point when you really have to stop looking through rose-colored glasses.
sooner or later. because until such time, you'll only be fooling yourself.
there's no escaping the snap back to reality. because it's what LIFE's about.

How can I convince you, what you see is real
Who am I to blame you, for doubting what you feel
I was always reaching, you were just a girl I knew
I took for granted the friend I have in you

I was living for a dream, loving for the moment
Taking on the world, that was just my style
Now I look in to your eyes
I can see forever, the search is over
You were with me all the while

Can we last forever, do we fall apart
At times it's so confusing, the questions of the heart
You followed me through changes, and patiently you'ld wait
'Till I came to my senses, through some miracle of faith

Now the mile stretched out behind me loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie with victims of the game
Then good luck, it finally stopped like lightning from the blue
Every highway's leading me back to you

Now at last I hold you, now all is said and done
The search is come forsaken, our destinies are wound
So if you ever loved me, show me that you give a damn
You'll know for certain, the man I really am

I was living for a dream, loving for the moment
Taking on the world, that was just my style
Then I touched your hand
I can hear you whisper, the search is over
Love was right before my eyes

cappuccino anyone?

2006-04-10T06:11:30Z

what a great discovery i just made!
someone gave my mom a big can of cappuccino mix of which i was brave enough to take off the seal and open.
(i don't quite remember my mom telling us not to..)
i've been making iced cappuccino since then!
experimenting here and there...

half a glass of milk here
plus half a glass of water there
plus about 2 and a half tablespoons of cappuccino mix
plus about a squeeze of tubed sweetened condensed milk
plus 4 ice cubes

then
put them all in the blender
blend until smooth and thick

pour into a glass

and voila!

i get the best tasting iced cappuccino ever!

well better than what those commercialized coffee shops offer anyway.
i think. haha
i guess i just have a different idea of how cappuccino should taste...
not bitter and all..

PLUS, my version needs:
no money shelled out
just the ever-reliable blender (our dearly beloved blender, which we've had for more than 12 years now. and still not showing any signs of breaking apart! coolness!)

And just about the right timing of my discovery! i've been meaning to drop by any coffee shop for the past, say, 4 days? or since i've been home alone. i just never got to bring myself to, for just the thought of the whopping prices of a cup of coffee's enough to keep me awake until way past dawn!

never mind that my cappuccino can't have coffee jelly in it (i could always try black gulaman, but.. i think they don't quite go together..). mine's as good anyways.
and besides, i can always order my coffee jelly frappuccino when my parents are back (and they'll be the ones paying.) *wink*wink*

ooh speaking of, i've been craving for Dunkin' Donuts munchkins.... for about a week now. i can't seem to find a Dunkin' Donuts store... grrr...

munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins
munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins
munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins.munchkins

some good things never last

2006-04-08T14:45:07Z

i just spent 9 hours at the mall. (wow... good luck sa parking fee...) see, that's what happens if im left alone at home. i was soo bored i just had to get out.
i had lunch with a friend and orgmate... a really long lunch. pizza hut bistro's not so bad actually! then another friend and orgmate caught up with us. we then watched basic instinct 2. manipulation written all over. haha! sharon stone's hot! for a 40+ year old! goodness gracious! and her outfits were so sophisticated, so chic... waaaoow..
after which we had dinner at dimsum and dumplings..
and then came a really long, relaxing talk... nothing serious.. just to unwind, to untangle the things bothering us, to escape momentarily the harsh realities of life.. these times i love... i miss... i wish i could have times like these more often.. like the 3 of us.. nobody had wanted to leave just yet.. even when it came time to part ways, there was still hesitancy to finally turn back and walk away... because id be coming home to loneliness.. and who wants that.. if only we could have stayed a little longer.. until we witness the breaking of another day, the rising of the morning star.. but good things never last... *sigh*

after all

2006-04-06T14:44:34Z

so im still going to baguio after all. im going to baguio! im going to baguio!
im going crazy with all these changes!!! but im going to baguio! im going to baguio!

makulit na ba. i just can't bear the thought of staying home, alone, for the next 10 days. kahit maglakwatsa pa ako at lahat lahat, pag uwi ko, ako pa rin mag-isa. dahil pag ganun, mas mahirap labanan ang kalungkutan. mag-isa na nga, malungkot pa. paano mo naman papasayahin ang sarili mo?

to self: ayan, nagdadrama ka na naman! tigilan mo nga yan?
self: ok, alright, titigil na!

ay basta!

heehee

phoebe1215 @ 2006-04-06T20:04:00

2006-04-06T01:05:13Z

someone's becoming numb. and hopefully oblivious to everything that's happening. is that good? or bad? i think that's good.:)

~~im going to baguio! im going to baguio!~~ for 9 days!!! yipee yipee!!! im already rejoicing at that... while my whole family is out of the country. nice, huh? im left here.. all alone.. for good reason anyway. hehe ~~im going to baguio! im going to baguio!~~ but for training camp. waaaa boot camp! haha nah.. just swimming training. in baguio? of all places? wherein even if you have a heated pool, the water temperature barely reaches 15 degrees C? haha oh well... brave the cold! jump right in!

oh oh! and jogging early in the mornings, with the cool breeze slapping at your face! and you won't even feel the sweat trickling down your neck!

oh! and starbucks john hay after dinner, despite the biting cold, you still order your favorite frappucino drink!

baguio baguio! :(

no, im not going to baguio anymore. so, therefore, i'm stuck here at home for the next 10 days... this should be fun! :)

phoebe1215 @ 2006-04-03T15:49:00

2006-04-03T07:54:44Z

"...a recognition of how puny we humans are when confronted with the great forces of nature, combined with gratitude to heaven, to the gods I'd thought I didn't believe in, who once again had spared my life." -- takeo otori, brilliance of the moon

~~from the trilogy Tales of the Otori -- a poignant story of hope and despair, of destruction and renewal, of life and death, of obliteration and rebirth, of loyalty and treachery, most of all, of love... love that is patient and true...

phoebe1215 @ 2006-04-01T23:49:00

2006-04-01T15:50:04Z

10 FIRSTS
FIRST BEST FRIEND: krizia
FIRST SCREEN NAME: kai-kai
FIRST PET NAME: scooby
FIRST PIeRCING: ears,duh --hehe
FIRST CRUSH: oh my!! haha nkakahiya nang sbhn!
FIRST SCHOOL: merry angels
FIRST HOUSE LOCATION: binondo, manila
FIRST KISS: ngeeek.. forgot..
FIRST CAR: in my dreams!

9 LASTS
LAST TIME YOU SMOKED: never tried
LAST FOOD YOU ATE: donut
LAST CAR RIDE: ember's car to vinzon's hall
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED: casanova
LAST PHONE CALL: ammmm..forgot..
LAST CD YOU LISTENED TO: chinese compilation
LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO: kahit na (no choice.. playing on tv..)
LAST WORDS YOU SAID: yuck! (word naman un d b..)

8 HAVE-YOU-EVERS
DATED A BESTFRIEND: no
BEEN ARRESTED: no
BEEN ON TV: no
EATEN SUSHI: yeah
BEEN ON A BLIND DATE: no
BEEN OUT OF THE COUNTRY: yep
BEEN IN LOVE: oo.. hanggang ngayon.. shett.. haha

7 THINGS YOU ARE WEARING
1. shirt
2. shorts
3. upper underwear
4. lower underwear
5. glasses
6. slippers
7. hair clip? haha

6 THINGS YOU HAVE DONE TODAY
1. read a book
2. watched a movie
3. texted
4. ate
5. bathed
6. breathed? :D

5 FAVORITE THINGS
1. books
2. scooby collection
3. stationeries
4. stickers
5. letters

PEOPLE YOU TRUST THE MOST
1. mom
2. dad
3. sisters
4. closest friends

THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. have sex, have kids = ay ako rin! add get married
2. live in russia or in tibet
3. become a marine biologist

2 CHOICES
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: chocolate
HUGS OR KISSES: hugs are much warmer X) = i agree

1 PERSON YOU WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW?
trina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

trina, you're it! but i think you've answered this before.....

glorious

2006-04-01T02:14:23Z

and so you wake up one day and you realize, 'wow.. life ain't so bad after all..'
along that line, you also begin to laugh at yourself and think, 'haha how much of a fool i've been!'
but you quickly retract your statement... 'well, i won't really call myself a fool.. maybe if i don't learn from this mistake, then i shall be called one..'

ok.. so maybe it wasn't really a mistake. it was actually a glorious part of my life.
ooooohhh which brings to mind 'Sundowners' by Lesley Lokko... as it was described to be a ' glorious love affair of the 21st century...' read that book. it was one of the most painful, ironically glorious love stories i've ever read.

anyway, going back to my thoughts... a glorious part of my life. who would've thought my tone would change so soon? but every once in a while, i still go back to those days reminiscent of my being blinded... seems like it was ages ago, right? nah... not really...

so what's to come out of all these? the answer still holds true. i don't know.
but it's all good... for this is life..
and it's not so much the rising after the stumble that matters..
rather, the lessons picked up along the way...
and the resolve that one MUST learn from every rough fall...

it's inevitable to have these relapses...
hey, my heart ain't made of stone...
but these too shall come to pass..

it'll always be a glorious part of me...of my life...of my world...

phoebe1215 @ 2006-03-30T11:14:00

2006-03-30T03:38:50Z

Ten random things about me:
1. I hate hotdogs.
2. I hate marshmallows. but i just found out how great they can taste when roasted over bonfire. (or did we just use candles?)
3. I hate peanuts. (I spit out the peanuts in M&Ms with nuts.)
4. But I love love love peanut butter.
5. I study with the TV and/or radio and/or MP3 player turned on.
6. I can't stand rock music.
7. I am bothered when the radio station I'm listening to goes for a commercial break. And I can't stand the dj's commentaries.
8. I usually read 3-4 books simultaneously.
9. It would be great to spend my whole life swimming in the ocean and skindiving each and every day.
10. I hate spicy food. can't stand them.

Nine ways to win my heart:
1. give me books.
2. give me books again.
3. and again, give me books.
4. take me to the beach.
5. take me skindiving.
6. take me mountain climbing.
7. take me bungee jumping.
8. take me surfing.
9. and give me books again. hehe:D

Eight things i wanna do before i die:
1. be a marine biologist.
2. work for World Wildlife Fund.
3. go to the Tubbataha Reef.
4. swim with sharks and dolphins and whale sharks in their natural environment.
5. live in Russia.
6. live in Tibet.
7. go sky diving.
8. paint.

Seven things that annoy me:
1. radio stations on commercial break at the same time.
2. jeepneys cutting in. and buses too.
3. cigarette smoke. and those who smoke in enclosed rooms.
4. smoke belchers.
5. slow drivers. hehe
6. road repairs that don't seem necessary at all. (because they've just been repaired a few months ago.)
7. people who talk in the movies. and talk loud they do.

Six things i wish for:
1. one-way ticket to tibet.
or
2. one-way ticket to moscow.
3. a really cool, non-disposable underwater camera
4. books and books and books
5. my own private island
6. BMW Z4

Five things i'm afraid of:
1. losing my family
2. losing friends
3. ghosts
4. dying a slow death
5. dying in a car crash. anything but a car crash. well anything swift and not painful that is.

Four of my favorite songs:
1. with a smile - eraserheads
2. happiness
3. all my life
4. alapaap

Three things i do everyday: me too!
1. smile
2. eat
3. sleep

Two things i do everyday: hehe
1. breathe
2. blink

One person I want to see right now:
1. jules! :)

;)

2006-03-29T12:30:19Z

grabe na ang memories ko sa isla verde ha!!! im never ever going to forget Sawang, Isla Verde... never.

to my French blockmates, haha i had sooo much fun!! dapat sa susunod, buong block na ah! which means, isang bus na tayo, mga 3 boats pag kasing laki lng ng boat ni Mang Marceling ( na nagsabi ng 'love u'... ewww.. haha in fairness, nagbigay ng discount.) ok pa rin ang Sawang Dive Camp. kasyang kasya ang buong block sa beach. ni hindi niyo nga pinasukan o tiningnan man lang ang cottages/bedrooms. the sand sufficed. kaya lang, kamusta naman ang mga likod niyo?? at ang lamig sa madaling araw?? pero walang kapalit ang langit na punung puno ng bituin. as in. nakakita ba kayo ng satellites?? mukhang hindi na dahil may tama na kayong lahat e! lahat nga ba?

eto lang ang masasabi ko, ang hilig niyo sa pagpipicture!!! walang sawa! pwede nang tawagin isang photo shoot ang trip na ito. san ka pa.. nilakbay na halos kalahati (ok exag.. sige.. mga 1/6?) ng isla para lang makakuha ng magandang shot ng sunset at ng landscape. (yoji? lei? pauline?) pinagdaanan na ang lahat para lang dun.. rock climbing, bouldering, wading, swimming, sliding and slipping (ilang beses ka nga nadulas, yoji? *peace*), hiking, spelunking, snorkeling, skin diving... walang hindi kinaya.. basta para sa pagpicture. san ka pa tlga?

at salamat sa inyo! sobrang natuwa ako at nasiyahan! alam niyo na bakit! sa uulitin! bago magpasukan??
san nga tayo... Camiguin? Baguio? Sagada? Bohol(libre ni yoji lahat!haha)?
teka lang ha, mag-iipon muna ako. ang dami niyong gustong puntahan. hehe:)

life is a wild goose chase.:)

phoebe1215 @ 2006-03-26T12:38:00

2006-03-26T05:06:44Z

song that's keeping me sane nowadays --

Happiness

happiness is finding a pencil
pizza with sausage
telling the time

happiness is learning to whistle
tying your shoe for the very first time
happiness is playing the drum in your own school band
and happiness is walking hand in hand

happiness is two kinds of ice cream
knowing a secret
climbing a tree

happiness is five different crayons
catching a firefly
setting him free

happiness is being alone every now and then
and happiness is coming home again

happiness is morning and evening
daytime and nighttime too
for happiness is anyone and anything at all
that's loved by you

happiness is having a sister
sharing a sandwich
getting along
happiness is singing together when day is through
and happiness is those who sing with you

happiness is morning and evening
daytime and nighttime too
for happiness is anyone and anything at all
that's loved by you

thank God for family and friends...

for great food anytime anywhere
for wonderful music
for you'll-never-be-able-to-put-me-down books
for chocolates and the temporary supply of endorphins

for the beauty of sunsets and cloud formations
for the mystery of the night sky
for the twinkling stars a million light years away
for the brilliance of the moon on an otherwise black night

for the magnificent foliage in UP
for the way the sunset reflects on glass windows in my classroom

for the cornucopia of surprises i get each day

for the privilege to wake up each morning
by the grace of God

for being able to love and to feel this way
for feeling a gamut of emotions that proves my existence

for my French blockmates
and the wonderful friendship that has blossomed among us

for MBS...
who share my dream of the ocean
the water beckons us...

for the trips to the beach
which never fail to lift my spirits

for more trips to look forward to...

and most especially
for the simple things as
the gift of life,
of hope,
of love,
of dreams....

phoebe1215 @ 2006-03-25T20:12:00

2006-03-25T11:01:04Z

love? what's love?

It's the weather being good every day.

Casanova the movie

school's over. i don't know if i should be jumping up and down in ecstacy or what.
because school being over means less things to do.
and less things to do means having to stay home most of the time.
and having to stay home means having more and more time to think (consciously and unconsciously).
having time to think means torturing myself.
and torturing myself means having the life sucked out of me.
and having the life sucked out of me means splurging and spending (huh? but see, it makes sense.)
having the life sucked out of me means being lonely and depressed.
being lonely and depressed triggers the 'spend' button in me.
because spending (on whatever... but mostly on food and on movies) triggers the release of endorphins, which makes me happy! (bet you didn't know that, did you? but hey, it's that way for me... that spending can actually cause production of endorphins. or so i think.. :))
but spending and splurging means running out of money.
and running out of money means not being able to spend and splurge some more.
and not being able to spend and splurge means cutting off my supply of endorphins.
which means the happiness doesn't last. so afterwards, i go back to being blue.
which means i have to spend and splurge to go back to being happy and cheery. but which is not anymore possible for i've run out of cash.

and so i stay depressed. bummer.

i dreamt of us last night. it was a good dream. something nice albeit unexpected happened. but it happened in such a way that we both knew that it wasn't supposed to happen. because...oh never mind. i'd rather not go there. which makes it not so great. but we persisted. so it was still nice after all...

only in my dreams